Blog of Ratings

Well Kids...

2005-06-22T01:23:00.000-05:00

Well Kids..

You heard it here. Chores kill chinchillas. Anyway, we've been kind of slacking lately, so don't be discouraged when you check back for updates. They're coming. By the way, does anyone have any good ideas? Let us know by posting or emailing us at blogofratings@gmail.com. Thanks!

-Mike and Elle

Chores

2005-06-12T13:19:00.000-05:00

Chores suck. But among them, there are some not so bad ones, and some really bad ones. Here they are.

Yard Work

This is by far the worst of all chores. It takes up the most energy, and the most time, and it's never one set task, so it's never easy. It always takes longer than you'd expect, so it steals the portion of your day that you had planned to use let's say, going to the video store and waiting for the mail cashier to start his shift so you can buy all those pornos you always wanted to see, because let's face it, that one chick would have been disgusted with you.

Vacuuming

This picture says it all. Vacuuming is a really boring, tedious task that just makes you hot. In a house with no central air conditioning, vacuuming is as good for you as jumping in a pool of molten lava, or trying to blow dry your hair. It's terrible. And in the winter, it's no good to keep you warm, because you can just open the oven like the good old white trash family you are. No, we're just kidding. We're sure you just hire maids to vacuum for you anyway.

Dishes

Sudsy. Is that a word? Anyway, if it were, it would be the perfect word to describe this chore. While most of our dishes are now done my machine, there's still the occasional chicken caccaitore pot or cutting board that to your dismay just won't fit. Dishes aren't too bad, but they do leave that unpleasant dry feel on your hands.

Laundry

Another not-too-bad one. The only really annoying thing about laundry is separating everything, unless you really like the color pink. Also, we've pulled the "I-forgot-about-my-load-of-laundry-so-now-it's-in-a-pile-and-molding" move a couple times, so that kinda sucks.

Painting a Fence

Was it Tom Sawyer who was painting a fence or Huckelberry Finn? Either way, if it's good enough for a fictional Mark Twain character, it's good enough for us. You can throw paint at the people you're painting with, and it's pretty hard to screw up, so we like it.

Street Signs

2005-06-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

This is the beginning of a new era: we are now rating a new category everyday. Leave a request for a category or one item, and it will spark a whole new set of sarcasm and ridicule.

Slow Children at Play

The sheer lack of punctuation on street signs has finally caused a problem: the words "slow children" meshed together without any distinguishable separation makes many people laugh and make fun of slow children, and also this sign. While everyone knows what this sign really says, it's easy enough to make fun of, and anything that's easy to make fun of, we like.

Unknown Bicycle Sign

We're not really sure what this one means, although we think it might mean something like "don't ride on a bridge with large potholes in it without a front tire". An obvious warning, but some prison inmate must have been bored that day. "Hey guys, look at this sign! Think they'll figure it out?"

Parking in Rear

This sign just sounds funny. It subtly states that if there's no room left in the front, there is additional room for you to fit in the rear.... come on. Not only obvious but a definite homosexual reference. We like it best on the lawyers' signs: "Cox, Cox, and Cox: Parking in Rear."

Danger: Falling Objects

It's blunt, straight to the point, and warns you that if you don't have your wits about you, or a hard hat, you're gonna get blugeoned by a heavy object falling from the sky. Nice.

Slippery When Wet

Another informative sign that leaves you free to take precautions but doesn't apply to everyday situations. We just like the squiggly lines coming off the tires, as if when a road is wet your tires leave strange marks behind. We guess it was easier for the sign-making people to draw squiggly lines than a Ford Explorer pummeled into your neighbor's oak tree.

The Hamburgler

2005-06-10T18:56:00.000-05:00

For all the history of the good guy vs. bad guy, how many times has the bad guy been an outlaw/theif/bandit/burgler/exprisoner? This character is completely unoriginal, only serving the purpose of creating a nuisance which Ronald McDonald has to solve with his wacky antics. Not to say that any of the other characters deeply creative works of art, but this is just so textbook. Plus, he wears pajamas and a tie with hamburgers on it. 'Nuff said.

"The Chillow"

2005-06-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

It's the Chillow!! Wow! It's a cold pillow! Why didn't we think of that? We were trying to think of something wrong with this, but we can't. Mike is a pillow flipper and I'm not, but we both agree that it's a pretty solid invention. It's noiseless, it doesn't leak, and the very sunburnt man above endorses it, so we're all for it. Plus our air conditioning is broken right now, so it sounds like an excellent idea. While no one wants to put their pillow in the refridgerator, it's a very minor price to pay to have a refreshingly cold pillow.

P.S. Keep the requests coming! Post a suggestion for us to rate and we'll gladly do it! Thanks!

"The Clapper"

2005-06-09T12:20:00.000-05:00

This invention is very convenient, we know. You're in bed, all cozy and reading Don Quixote, for example, and you're falling asleep, because well, let's face it, Don Quixote isn't exactly the most exciting material in the world, but wait! Your light is still on! You begrudgingly get up out of your comfy covers to turn off the light, and you stub your toe on your dog's rawhide. Now you're bouncing around, holding your toe. You finally fall back into bed, but now you're not so tired anymore, so you're forced again to read Don Quixote. This example is punishment enough, so you buy the Clapper. Alright, this is good in principle, but there are some flaws in the Clapper. The only problem with this invention is that it promotes an increasingly growing problem in America today: laziness. The Clapper completely cancels out the only exercise some Americans get today: getting off their lazy asses and turning off the light themselves. And is it just us or does clapping require the same amount of energy as flicking a light switch?

Cheez-Its

2005-06-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

We celebrate the entire Cheez-It collection. In the risk of sounding like Forrest Gump, we won't name them all, but some of the best include White Cheddar and the Twisterz variety, which is new and very tasty. There is no downside to Cheez-Its. They are much more flavorful than Cheese Nips, which are the inferior variety. Cheese Nips are the Coke to our Pepsi. The Jay Leno to our David Letterman. The point is, they're very disappointing. Cheez-Its; however, are excellent in every way. Whoever though of these little guys deserves a big pat on the back.

Peanut Butter and Jelly in the same jar

2005-06-05T00:48:00.000-05:00

This invention is really convenient, but extremely lazy. Who thought of the brillliant idea that someone didn't want to open TWO jars to make a frickin' sandwich? That's right, an extremely lazy person. It doesn't taste as good as putting each ingrediant on separately, and doesn't really look as good either, but it is a really good idea. Peanut butter and jelly is pretty much the easiest sandwich in the whole world to make, but someone had to make it easier. At least it doesn't involve taking meat out or slicing anything, but we can understand how someone wouldn't want to open TWO jars. A mediocre rating for a mediocre idea.

Spatulas

2005-06-02T12:59:00.000-05:00

Spatulas are a pretty good idea. They have several different uses: including scraping that tough baked-on crap off your dishes, sliding delicious cookies off of a cookie sheet, and hey, they give a pretty funny visual to the term "flip a shit". Anyway, spatulas are also great for weapons in cartoons where cats chase mice, dogs chase cats, or coyotes chase roadrunners (does that actually happen?) and they're great for slapping your wife on the ass while she's cooking you dinner. The only downside to spatulas is that the plastic ones melt if you use them with anything involving the oven, which we learned the hard way.

Algebra

2005-06-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

What a useless invention. So I just took my math final today, algebra to be precise, and is it just me or is algebra the most pointless tool ever? This class is the biggest waste of my time. The only thing you would need algebra for is chemistry, and what are you ever going to use chemistry for? When am I ever going to use a quadratic formula for outside of school? Or matrices? Or the FOIL system? You get homework every night and you spend your time reviewing things that are all too familiar. My time would be much better spent staring at a wall.

Paratroopas

2005-05-31T21:25:00.002-05:00

If you're not familiar with video game characters, these are the flying turtle things in the Super Mario games. These stupid-looking mofo's bounce around, annoying the hell out of you as you try to bolt through the level. In certain levels, the developers expect you to jump on these piece of shit turkey turtles to hinder their ability to fly. The original koopatroopasjust walked around, only mildly annoying you because they only took up one plane on earth. The good news: you could jump on their shells to actually kill other enemies. But not the FLYING turkey turtles: no, no, no. These little guys fly about in open space so in the rare event you actually get to jump on them, they usually just fall into an open pit making them absolutely useless. Even worse news: sometimes when you jump on them, and they fall to the ground, and you hit them to make them kill other enemies, they can STILL come back after hitting something and kill you! These guys are way overrated.